Seasons

The other day, Mary Grace was having some trouble settling down for her nap, so I went in and started to rock her. She kept looking up at me, smiling, and playing and trying to put her pacifier in my mouth. I started to get frustrated, but then my mind drifted and I started to think about my mom.

As she rocked me when I was that little, what was she thinking? I can imagine her holding me and laughing at the things that should have annoyed her. Did I really bring her as much joy as Mary Grace has brought me? I remember her telling me how much she had wanted a little girl. I think it was the incredible relationship that I had with her that made me long for one too. Let me tell you, this little girl rocks my world. Oh how my heart selfishly aches for my mom to have met her. To hold her, to kiss her, to squeeze her, to rock her, to love her.

I was watching home videos a few months ago, and came across one of when I was about 12. We were all sitting around at Christmas, and I my mom was talking to my aunt and I and said, "I can't wait till Joanna has kids. I can't wait to be a grandmother!" Oh how things don't go as we planned. I hear her say that in my mind all the time now. Especially when the kids do some of their ridiculously silly things. I feel like, since its been seven years, it shouldn't hurt as bad. And mostly it doesn't because I don't let myself go there. But it does. I try to not be jealous of others. But when I get really weak, I am. I start wondering what it would be like if it were MY mom holding her grandchildren, my mom coming to visit, me able to give my mom a hug on Mother's Day.

I'm going home this week. I'm going to help my dad clean out over thirty years of stuff from their house. A lot of it is filled with tiny memories of my mom. As time goes by, it seems like it gets more difficult to remember the precious times we had. I know that going through all of these memories will be so difficult, but I hope that its freeing. I hope I can be reminded of the joy she brought into a room and the gracious heart she had. I hope that I can remind myself I don't have to hold onto all her material things just to remember those things about her. Robby is hoping I don't come back with a U-Haul full of blue and white china.

Though at times my heart aches, I do have hope. Hope in the future we have together in Heaven. Peace, knowing that even though she hasn't gotten to see my sweet children here on earth, she's probably up there rocking our two sweet other babies that we've lost. Oh how I love and miss my mom with every ounce of my soul.